


i wrestle with myself and with my vices

by inkmysoul



Category: One Direction
Genre: Depression, Fluff, I’m sorry, Loving Harry, M/M, Self-Harm, depressed louis!, friends to lovers!, he’s really messed up, nice harry, suicidal
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-03
Updated: 2019-12-27
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:27:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21663670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inkmysoul/pseuds/inkmysoul
Summary: Louis is just lonely. It’s nothing new. Depression doesn’t fucking exist okay. He’s not depressed. These are thoughts that everyone has. That’s what he tells the psychiatrist. The psychiatrist points out other symptoms that normal people don’t have, like the scars or the jumping or the yelling or the screaming or the constant crying. Normal people. Who is she to tell Louis that he isn’t normal? Louis is normal. Louis washes his clothes, sometimes. He showers, sometimes. He washes his dishes, sometimes.-or, an au where louis is off the deep end and in comes harry.
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson, Liam Payne/Zayn Malik
Comments: 1
Kudos: 19





	1. not normal? (intro)

**Author's Note:**

> NOTE: I do not personally know the boys. THIS IS A WORK OF FICTION. Do not send this to the boys, their friends, or their families. 
> 
> Please do not repost this work without my permission. 
> 
> This is currently a WIP. I’m in the middle of finals, and I came up with this idea. As well as this, a lot of the mental problems that Louis faces is not problems that a person should deal with alone. Louis sees a psychiatrist. If you are feeling alone or feeling depressed or you are suicidal, please seek help. If you live in the U.S., feel free to call 1-800-273-TALK to speak with someone today. If you live outside the U.S., here’s a link to international suicide hotlines: https://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines. Please, do not suffer in silence. This work of fiction is meant to teach you that. Reach out. It gets better. 
> 
> Thank you for reading! Please check the end of the work for my social media links!

honestly, louis didn’t know why he was sitting here.

the telly was on, playing some shitty christmas hallmark movie. he listened to it as he stared at the blurry screen in front of him. he had thrown a quilt over top of him last night like he was a child and hadn’t moved since. he was sickening. 

depression wasn’t like the way it was in the movies. it wasn’t pretty. people didn’t come and save you from it. sure, they talked. they talked to you, and checked in. but there was no one that pulled you up and out onto the streets and really made you happy. louis knew that. that’s why he sat here, under his quilt, listening to the telly as he heard his flatmates speaking from down the hallway. he hadn’t spoke to them since yesterday, but he honestly didn’t have the energy to get up right now. so, he rolled over, quilt still over his head, and curled up into a ball. he stared at the lights flickering on the telly through the quilt as a tear slipped down his face. what was wrong with him? why was he isolating himself when there was people  right _there_?  but, louis just didn’t have it in him tonight to get up and go. so, tonight, he listened to the laughs coming from his flatmates before he found himself slipping into another slumber. 

-

In another life, Louis would’ve been someone who had confidence, self-reassurance, or passion. Louis would’ve been someone that could have communicated with others about the thoughts he was having. He would’ve been someone that didn’t want to hurt himself. He would’ve been someone that didn’t try to kill themselves. He would’ve been  normal . 

That wasn’t the life Louis was born into, sadly. He was here, in this world, with this life, with these scars on his thighs. This is what he had to deal with.

In the beginning, he was normal. Johanna said that he was just a teeny bit sad, especially since his dad wasn’t in the picture. And yeah, sometimes he was sad because there were just so many kids in his life, and he was a little bit of an attention getter, okay? But, everything started going downhill in high school. 

Depression doesn’t start with a whimper, or a bang, really. For Louis, it started with a little push in the hallway that turned his head in a millisecond. He remembered the boy that had done it, a year or two ahead of him, and he remembered the words that he had muttered when he had past. Louis didn’t know what he did to set the boy off, but he had just stared at him as he had walked away. Louis didn’t speak up. That’s when it had all started. 

Bullying doesn’t start depression. Depression isn’t caused by bullying. Depression is a stupid thing to label what Louis has, he thinks, anyways. Because what he has is simply not depression all the time. Sometimes, Louis just thinks. He just thinks about life and why people do certain things. He thinks about the point of existence and if people would really miss him if he were gone. He thinks about how he goes to the library by himself, how he goes to dinner by himself, how he goes home by himself, how he goes to everything single thing by his own damn self. 

Louis is just lonely. It’s nothing new. Depression doesn’t fucking exist okay. He’s not depressed. These are thoughts that everyone has. That’s what he tells the psychiatrist. The psychiatrist points out other symptoms that  normal people don’t have, like the scars or the jumping or the yelling or the screaming or the constant crying.  _ Normal people _ . Who is she to tell Louis that he isn’t _normal_? Louis is normal. Louis washes his clothes, sometimes. He showers, sometimes. He washes his dishes, sometimes. 

Okay, so maybe it’s a little bad for Louis, he will admit that. He’s a little sad. He listens to sad music that makes him overthink the world and what people think of him. He people watches too much. And somehow along the way, it just escalated. He let the little things become too much. He let it consume him. He let it become him. Now, who is he? He sits now. On his bed. On the couch. At the kitchen table. At the library. At work. He just sits and thinks about what he’s done. He’s cut into his life. Cut people out. Cut his mum, and his sisters, and his friends out. He’s alone. And he doesn’t know what to do now. 

For now, he’ll just keep doing what he does. Sitting. He’ll go to school, to work, back to his flat. He will sit on the couch while his flatmates take shots in the kitchen. He will sit on the bed while the telly plays a romantic movie about a man falling for his soulmate. Louis will sit as the world passes him by. 

Louis just doesn’t really want to move right now, and he figures that’s okay. 


	2. me & me hashbrown (one)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> warnings on this chapter: mentions of self-harm!! 
> 
> read with care as always, loves!

“louis? mate, you alright?”

a knock sounded on the door, and louis instantly shot out of his cocoon. he looked up at the door to see it push it open to reveal his flat mates. he scrambled to pull his sheets around him.

“hey, guys! i told you guys to wait till i answered before you came in.” his voice broke as he answered them, laughing nervously as he worried about them seeing him naked.

his flat mates, zayn & liam, laughed loudly.

“sorry, louis! we just wanted to see if you wanted to go with us.” liam leaned on the doorframe after he spoke, as zayn moved to open a pack of cigs. “you want one, lou?”

louis shook his head, moving his hand to scratch at his ankle. “yeah, i’ll go with you guys to eat, i suppose. will we be long?”

zayn shook his head, and spoke, “no, but we are meeting niall and his friends there.”

louis nodded and looked up at his flatmates. “do you guys know when you’re gonna get out so i can change?”

zayn coughed around his cig as he pulled it out and hit liam in the stomach, pulling the door shut behind them.

louis stood up slowly, throwing his arms in the air to stretch them. he found himself in the bathroom, staring at his reflection in the dirty mirror. someone stared at him that he didn’t recognize, and he watched as they lifted their arm up and down. their long sleeves pawed at the ends, too long. their eyes drooped with sleep, and their hair stood up on the ends.

louis sighed as he took off his shirt and stared at the lines on his body. he didn’t self-harm anymore, but the lines from his past didn’t hide. his thighs were ripped with burnt scars, and his stomach showed little cuts all over it. his lips tugged downwards as he stared in silence.

a shout from the kitchen broke his reflection’s mood, and he made his way back out to his bedroom to get dressed.

——

louis pushed his way off the tube with zayn and liam, who were laughing about the newest music video out by miley.

“do you think that they hired an actual construction company for the wrecking ball?” liam asks as he opens the door to the café. 

louis rolls his eyes at liam’s question as zayn laughs like it’s the funniest thing in the world.

“have you lot finally told each other you guys love each other?” louis looked up to see niall patting liam and zayn on the back while smiling brightly. 

zayn blushes profusely while liam shushes niall.

louis smiles at niall as he reaches his hand out to him.

“hey mate,” louis greets to his irish friend.

niall smiles brightly at louis as he grips his hand tightly, raising his eyebrows at louis before sitting down.

louis moves to look at niall’s other mates as he sits down beside zayn. he picks up a menu and begins to look at a good looking hashbrown when his ears perk up.

“yeah, i’m that guy! harry styles, it’s nice to meet you properly liam, instead of just in bio. you too, zayn.” louis let his eyes rise off the delicious hashbrown casserole to meet the green eyes of harry styles.

“and you must be louis, hi, it’s great to meet you.” louis smiled at harry before looking back down at the very delicious hashbrown and nowhere near the very cute harry styles that louis tomlinson wasn’t deserving of.

“it’s nice to meet you as well, harry.” louis mumbled, looking down at the menu. he peeked up once more to see green eyes staring at him and his hashbrown picture.

zayn and liam coughed as the waiter came up, taking all of their orders. louis ordered his hashbrown casserole he has been dying to get for the past five minutes and a water, before quietly listening to harry order something vegan.

——

everyone laughed as the door to the café rang as niall pushed it open. louis followed everyone out as he came out to be the last one, right behind harry. his hand brushed harry’s as he followed him outside. louis heard everyone laughing but the world seemed to fade as he stared at the boy in front of him.

harry turned around to smile at him, and greeted him again. “so louis, do you go to uni here?”

louis nodded as they followed the boys, who were talking about going back to niall’s to drink. louis stopped as he realized he didn’t want to be stuck in a room full of happy people while he was sad.

harry stopped a couple beats after louis, his smile dropping. “are you okay, louis? everything alright?”

louis nodded quickly, before pointing over his shoulder. “i just realized i have to get back home to feed my cat, tell the boys i’ll see them later.” louis spoke, and waved to harry.

harry nodded before he watched louis walk away with a small frown on his face. he jogged to catch up with the other boys.

“hey harry, where’s louis?” niall asked as soon as harry made it back to them.

harry shook his head as he pointed back towards the way louis went, and spoke, “he said he had to get back home to feed his cat.”

zayn coughed loudly before looking at liam, who furrowed his eyebrows. harry raised his eyebrows, and asked, “what?”

liam shook his head before patting harry on the back, “nothing, harry, nothing, haha!”

niall nodded before running ahead, “let’s go boys, to drinking!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the slow update, i had finals, a spinal tap, the flu, & the holidays!
> 
> it’s been a rough few weeks. 
> 
> i hope you all enjoy! 
> 
> catch me on social media:
> 
> larry twitter: @cryingabtlarry  
> doctor who twitter: @hiddensonic  
> instagram: @julianicole71

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!
> 
> You can find me on social media at:
> 
> Instagram @julianicole71  
> Twitter @cryingabtlarry
> 
> Please do not repost this work without my permission.


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